Cautionary Tale

Sometimes I feel like my life is just a gigantic cautionary tale. "Appreciate your husbands, ladies, because you could lose him. Like Amber did." "Make sure you hire a lawyer." "Don't be overconfident." Blah blah blah. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm allowed to be happy. My first husband was a regular asshole. He was abusive and mean and he cheated on me with my best friend. But I overcame all that and divorced him. I learned to work and live on my own. I was happy, for the most part. Then I met my current husband and everything was just so easy. I fell in love with him without even thinking about it. There wasn't a struggle. No questioning. I just knew. So marrying him wasn't a big decision (although I thought I was going to swear off marriage altogether). We clicked. I never thought about leaving him; never contemplated finding someone else. He was, as cliche as it sounds, my other half. And then we were having a baby! How perfect! I had the perfect, loving husband and we made a tiny version of ourselves.

Then everything just went to shit. He was gone and I was alone. I hate to say it but for the first couple weeks I resented my son. I didn't get any sleep, I didn't know what I was doing, and I was so exhausted. I just kept wishing my husband was around to help me at night. I looked around at all the happy couples with their babies and I got so jealous. Then I had this baby; I couldn't go out and do what I wanted. I was obligated to raise this little person and not get lost in my melancholy. He needed me but I just wanted to fade away. Now, nearly 6 months from that terrible day, I look at my son and I'm so in love with him. It hurts my heart to think of him not here with me. I miss him when I'm gone. I worry about him constantly. I feel like an actual parent. I think I had some postpartum depression, which isn't surprising. My therapist warned me that I might but I think I wanted to deny it; to be strong and not feel "weak". But looking back now it was there and I know it still lingers. Not when it comes to my son but I definitely feel overwhelmed at times. I get angry at the world. I want people to care about my husband, our situation, our family. I want my life back. But what I've realized that I will never get that life back. I will never be that same person again and, for better or worse, when my husband comes home we will be different people. I try not to let that be a bad thing though. We have a chance to get to know each other all over again. We'll get a chance to fall in love again. He's not gone forever. Just for a little while; although it seems like eternity right now. He will come back to me.

So maybe I am a cautionary tale but I hope I can be an example too. I hope I can show people that assumptions can be wrong, rumors and false accusations can be dangerous, and some love can be undying. We were a normal couple. A happily married couple but maybe we can be the couple that overcomes all odds. Maybe that is why this is happening; to strengthen us and our marriage. I hope we find out soon. And I hope we can all be together soon.