Cautionary Tale

Sometimes I feel like my life is just a gigantic cautionary tale. "Appreciate your husbands, ladies, because you could lose him. Like Amber did." "Make sure you hire a lawyer." "Don't be overconfident." Blah blah blah. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm allowed to be happy. My first husband was a regular asshole. He was abusive and mean and he cheated on me with my best friend. But I overcame all that and divorced him. I learned to work and live on my own. I was happy, for the most part. Then I met my current husband and everything was just so easy. I fell in love with him without even thinking about it. There wasn't a struggle. No questioning. I just knew. So marrying him wasn't a big decision (although I thought I was going to swear off marriage altogether). We clicked. I never thought about leaving him; never contemplated finding someone else. He was, as cliche as it sounds, my other half. And then we were having a baby! How perfect! I had the perfect, loving husband and we made a tiny version of ourselves.

Then everything just went to shit. He was gone and I was alone. I hate to say it but for the first couple weeks I resented my son. I didn't get any sleep, I didn't know what I was doing, and I was so exhausted. I just kept wishing my husband was around to help me at night. I looked around at all the happy couples with their babies and I got so jealous. Then I had this baby; I couldn't go out and do what I wanted. I was obligated to raise this little person and not get lost in my melancholy. He needed me but I just wanted to fade away. Now, nearly 6 months from that terrible day, I look at my son and I'm so in love with him. It hurts my heart to think of him not here with me. I miss him when I'm gone. I worry about him constantly. I feel like an actual parent. I think I had some postpartum depression, which isn't surprising. My therapist warned me that I might but I think I wanted to deny it; to be strong and not feel "weak". But looking back now it was there and I know it still lingers. Not when it comes to my son but I definitely feel overwhelmed at times. I get angry at the world. I want people to care about my husband, our situation, our family. I want my life back. But what I've realized that I will never get that life back. I will never be that same person again and, for better or worse, when my husband comes home we will be different people. I try not to let that be a bad thing though. We have a chance to get to know each other all over again. We'll get a chance to fall in love again. He's not gone forever. Just for a little while; although it seems like eternity right now. He will come back to me.

So maybe I am a cautionary tale but I hope I can be an example too. I hope I can show people that assumptions can be wrong, rumors and false accusations can be dangerous, and some love can be undying. We were a normal couple. A happily married couple but maybe we can be the couple that overcomes all odds. Maybe that is why this is happening; to strengthen us and our marriage. I hope we find out soon. And I hope we can all be together soon.

Coming Out

Well I finally got a full time job! I'm pretty excited because it was the hours I wanted (8-5 Mon-Fri) AND I get my own office. I've never had my own office! I was so relieved when I was offered the job. I will feel so much better once I have a steady income. I also plan on picking up bartending jobs on the weekends. Through my bartending school we get sought out for special events and what not. This is a chance for me to make some quick extra cash and not let my schooling go to waste! My plan is to save up to see my husband again seeing as how I had to drain my savings to pay my bills this last month. I'm getting anxious to see him again because, well, letters and phone calls don't cut it!

Still no word on his ROT. But what's new? His JAG lawyer believes this is a good thing and will ultimately help him get time off his sentence. I just want them to have an incomplete record of trial and to come home altogether. I know this is really rare but I can dream right? I miss him everyday but yesterday I missed him so much more! I think it was because yesterday a year ago I found out I was pregnant. It was the most exciting day of our lives. My husband was elated! He spilled the beans before I could. I was pretty restless yesterday so I went to see The Great Gatsby by myself. It was the first movie I've seen in a theater since December. It was so good, maybe because I could relate to Gatsby's longing for the past and the undying love he had for someone. It was lonely though. I kept wishing my husband could be there to watch it with me and discuss it. He seems to be doing ok though. He has his down days of course but he's getting involved in physical activity there which I think is doing him some good. I wish with all my heart I could move closer to him and see him every weekend but it's just not plausible right now. I only hope that his record comes back soon so we can have a plan of action. The purgatory of waiting is getting old.

I let people know on a message board I frequent what happened to my husband. It felt a bit like coming out. I didn't have to lie anymore about where he was or why he couldn't see his son. It was a bit therapeutic. I wish I could do the same thing in real life.

Time Moves so Slowly

Blair is 4 months old today! Time is going quickly but so slowly at the same time. Every day that I spend without my husband feels like an eternity but when I look back on it I realize that we are coming up on 6 months since he was convicted. I still sometimes don't believe it. I get a little more anxious every day to get his ROT back but so far, nothing.

The very first week he was taken away I was desperate to get him back. I wrote to media outlets, congress, innocence networks. Anyone I could possibly try to plead my case to. What I realized is that because of the seriousness of his charges NOBODY wants to touch it. I just want people to care. Most of the time I feel like people don't. And they probably don't. I mean, I know everyone has their own lives to attend to but I feel like my family is passed up. I want to bring the complex issue of the military justice system to light but no one is willing to listen because it has to do with the government and America is so pro-military that speaking against something they are doing is taboo. It's a pretty bleak outlook but I can't help but hope. I know I'm not alone. I found a message board with other women like me. Their husbands or loved ones have been convicted via Court Martial so we can relate. Unfortunately, it's not very active but the information there is helpful. It's called prisontalk.com. I go there to find comfort. I go there for advice. And mostly, I go there for hope. Hope that one day my life will be normal again. One day my husband will be home, in some way or another and my family will be whole. I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs and will the world to care but I can't. I can only take my life day by day and hope for the best. I don't want pity, I want change. I want what happened to me and my family not to happen to anyone else.