I've Been Slacking

So I've noticed I've been neglecting the blog. I've been fairly busy with work; I'm a dispatcher now so I put in a lot of hours. Thankfully, my employer pays overtime. Almost to the point where I didn't qualify for WIC anymore! School has been also keeping me busy, I've been trying to keep my grades up because, as crazy as it sounds, I've been contemplating joining the military as an officer. I know, I know but I miss having the security that the military brings and it would allow me to do something with my degree right away. We shall see.

Blair is 8 months old now. He is growing too fast! We were denied visitation because of what his charges are so that was quite a blow for us. But his civilian attorney said he's never heard of something like this in the 20 years he's been working and recommended some paths for my husband to appeal the decision. He also believes we have a strong case for appeal because legal errors were made in my husband's case. That being said we are STILL waiting on the official transcript to come back from the judge. His JAG lawyer is supposed to be finding out what the hold up is because I just realized we got the ROT back in June and still have yet to go to clemency with it. This is an entirely long process.

The good news is that I will get to see my husband in November. The drive to Leavenworth isn't nearly as long as I thought so I just need to get myself a hotel. I'm very excited since I haven't seen him since Februrary! It also gave him something to look forward to as well. It's hard to believe we're coming up on a year already though. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday.

A Little Hope

I noticed that my last couple entries have been somewhat depressing but we received a little glimmer of hope today. My husband talked to his JAG lawyer about getting his record of trial back and while it could take an additional 3-4 weeks for things to be finalized (the army is never in a hurry to do anything!) his lawyer did say he found even more mistakes he thinks the judge makes and believes our civilian attorney will have plenty to work with for my husband's appeal. The JAG lawyer also said that he was going to use my husband's accuser's facebook nickname of "jail bait" in his clemency packet. Yes, she has Jail Bait right next to her name on facebook. This is the caliber of class that we are dealing with. I wish I could tell her exactly what I think of her but I will hold my tongue. It was hard enough having to see her and her wretched family at the trial. We really got lucky with his JAG lawyer. I've heard horror stories about appointed counsel being unreliable at best and not caring about their clients at all but CPT Adams has been there to answer every question I've had. He passed messages between my husband and I when we couldn't speak and told me he knows my husband is innocent and will do whatever he can to help us, including working with our appellate attorney, something he doesn't have to do. This may be a trying, exhausting time but we definitely have some good people on our side.

Also my son turned 5 months old on Friday. Time is flying because of him and, if it's possible, I love him more each day. His smile brightens my day and my life. It's exciting to watch him grow into a little person.

And it Begins Again

We got is ROT in last Friday. I was excited but anxious. This begins the whole process of preparing and waiting again. His JAG lawyer has to go over it with the prosecution and judge and then can issue official copies. Our civilian attorney has already contacted me letting me know he heard about the ROT coming back. I'm allowing myself a little bit of hope because Bill Cassara, our lawyer, got another assault case overturned. It was a guy in my husband's POD too, which is the little section he lives in. It's like it could almost be us. But right now we are facing clemency. My husband's JAG lawyer, who has always been straight up with me, said it could take a month or so to get the packet together and send it up and then who knows how long to hear back. He did read the clemency letters I've collected though and said they were very well written. This gives me hope that maybe his packet will stand out because of them.

I got really upset yesterday because I responded to an article about the hearing on military sexual assault cases by saying that they are already pursuing any and all sexual assault cases to the point where they are convicting people with no evidence and just heresay, like my husband. A woman replied that I sounded like someone who couldn't handle her loved one being a rapist. I can't even tell you how pissed off I was. How dare she judge me or my husband? I may or may not have called her the C-word but then I realized I would've thought the same thing had I been in her place. You don't realize how screwed up things can get until you're on the other side of it. It made me feel even more alone and isolated. I'm sitting and waiting, hoping for the best but who knows if it'll happen. We may have to live with this hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives and it's not fair.

Cautionary Tale

Sometimes I feel like my life is just a gigantic cautionary tale. "Appreciate your husbands, ladies, because you could lose him. Like Amber did." "Make sure you hire a lawyer." "Don't be overconfident." Blah blah blah. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm allowed to be happy. My first husband was a regular asshole. He was abusive and mean and he cheated on me with my best friend. But I overcame all that and divorced him. I learned to work and live on my own. I was happy, for the most part. Then I met my current husband and everything was just so easy. I fell in love with him without even thinking about it. There wasn't a struggle. No questioning. I just knew. So marrying him wasn't a big decision (although I thought I was going to swear off marriage altogether). We clicked. I never thought about leaving him; never contemplated finding someone else. He was, as cliche as it sounds, my other half. And then we were having a baby! How perfect! I had the perfect, loving husband and we made a tiny version of ourselves.

Then everything just went to shit. He was gone and I was alone. I hate to say it but for the first couple weeks I resented my son. I didn't get any sleep, I didn't know what I was doing, and I was so exhausted. I just kept wishing my husband was around to help me at night. I looked around at all the happy couples with their babies and I got so jealous. Then I had this baby; I couldn't go out and do what I wanted. I was obligated to raise this little person and not get lost in my melancholy. He needed me but I just wanted to fade away. Now, nearly 6 months from that terrible day, I look at my son and I'm so in love with him. It hurts my heart to think of him not here with me. I miss him when I'm gone. I worry about him constantly. I feel like an actual parent. I think I had some postpartum depression, which isn't surprising. My therapist warned me that I might but I think I wanted to deny it; to be strong and not feel "weak". But looking back now it was there and I know it still lingers. Not when it comes to my son but I definitely feel overwhelmed at times. I get angry at the world. I want people to care about my husband, our situation, our family. I want my life back. But what I've realized that I will never get that life back. I will never be that same person again and, for better or worse, when my husband comes home we will be different people. I try not to let that be a bad thing though. We have a chance to get to know each other all over again. We'll get a chance to fall in love again. He's not gone forever. Just for a little while; although it seems like eternity right now. He will come back to me.

So maybe I am a cautionary tale but I hope I can be an example too. I hope I can show people that assumptions can be wrong, rumors and false accusations can be dangerous, and some love can be undying. We were a normal couple. A happily married couple but maybe we can be the couple that overcomes all odds. Maybe that is why this is happening; to strengthen us and our marriage. I hope we find out soon. And I hope we can all be together soon.

Coming Out

Well I finally got a full time job! I'm pretty excited because it was the hours I wanted (8-5 Mon-Fri) AND I get my own office. I've never had my own office! I was so relieved when I was offered the job. I will feel so much better once I have a steady income. I also plan on picking up bartending jobs on the weekends. Through my bartending school we get sought out for special events and what not. This is a chance for me to make some quick extra cash and not let my schooling go to waste! My plan is to save up to see my husband again seeing as how I had to drain my savings to pay my bills this last month. I'm getting anxious to see him again because, well, letters and phone calls don't cut it!

Still no word on his ROT. But what's new? His JAG lawyer believes this is a good thing and will ultimately help him get time off his sentence. I just want them to have an incomplete record of trial and to come home altogether. I know this is really rare but I can dream right? I miss him everyday but yesterday I missed him so much more! I think it was because yesterday a year ago I found out I was pregnant. It was the most exciting day of our lives. My husband was elated! He spilled the beans before I could. I was pretty restless yesterday so I went to see The Great Gatsby by myself. It was the first movie I've seen in a theater since December. It was so good, maybe because I could relate to Gatsby's longing for the past and the undying love he had for someone. It was lonely though. I kept wishing my husband could be there to watch it with me and discuss it. He seems to be doing ok though. He has his down days of course but he's getting involved in physical activity there which I think is doing him some good. I wish with all my heart I could move closer to him and see him every weekend but it's just not plausible right now. I only hope that his record comes back soon so we can have a plan of action. The purgatory of waiting is getting old.

I let people know on a message board I frequent what happened to my husband. It felt a bit like coming out. I didn't have to lie anymore about where he was or why he couldn't see his son. It was a bit therapeutic. I wish I could do the same thing in real life.

Time Moves so Slowly

Blair is 4 months old today! Time is going quickly but so slowly at the same time. Every day that I spend without my husband feels like an eternity but when I look back on it I realize that we are coming up on 6 months since he was convicted. I still sometimes don't believe it. I get a little more anxious every day to get his ROT back but so far, nothing.

The very first week he was taken away I was desperate to get him back. I wrote to media outlets, congress, innocence networks. Anyone I could possibly try to plead my case to. What I realized is that because of the seriousness of his charges NOBODY wants to touch it. I just want people to care. Most of the time I feel like people don't. And they probably don't. I mean, I know everyone has their own lives to attend to but I feel like my family is passed up. I want to bring the complex issue of the military justice system to light but no one is willing to listen because it has to do with the government and America is so pro-military that speaking against something they are doing is taboo. It's a pretty bleak outlook but I can't help but hope. I know I'm not alone. I found a message board with other women like me. Their husbands or loved ones have been convicted via Court Martial so we can relate. Unfortunately, it's not very active but the information there is helpful. It's called prisontalk.com. I go there to find comfort. I go there for advice. And mostly, I go there for hope. Hope that one day my life will be normal again. One day my husband will be home, in some way or another and my family will be whole. I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs and will the world to care but I can't. I can only take my life day by day and hope for the best. I don't want pity, I want change. I want what happened to me and my family not to happen to anyone else.

Down Days

Some days I'm just mad at the world. I see a couple and their baby and I feel such immense and overwhelming sadness. I wish more than anything I could have that. I wish my husband could hold his son. This was supposed to be the happiest time of our lives and instead it turned into one of the hardest. Giving birth without my husband was incredibly hard. Going out with my son without him is difficult. Sometimes I feel like life is so incredibly unfair.
I thought my worst moments of my life was when I found out my first husband was cheating on me. Dealing with the after math of a broken heart, a broken friendship, and learning how to support myself was incredibly difficult. When I found my current husband I felt like it had all happened to bring me to him. When he was convicted and my husband called me tearfully to tell me to come see him for the last time I learned pain all over again. 8 months pregnant, stumbling around in a daze and crying my eyes out I was devastated. For all intents and purposes I was suddenly a single mother-to-be. I had to figure out how I was going to pay bills, where I was going to live, and how to raise a child. Thank god for my mom. She took me in and has helped me out so much. Currently I'm looking for a full time, better paying job because, well, serving just isn't going to allow me to be able to save any money.
I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I hope that soon I learn the reason that all of this happened to my family. I hope to God that my husband can come home soon, that his case gets overturned, and he can be with me and our baby. Sometimes it's hard to be positive but I have to try. Some days I just want to stay in bed and never get out but I know my son needs me. Actually, that's probably what I would be doing if it wasn't for him. His smile is my motivation to get through the day. I love him with all my heart and I hope that we'll all be together soon.